pain

Peace. To those of you who have not seen anything new on here in a while here goes.
Gonna do this journal-style today.
Let's face it...Life is way hard sometimes. I have been so weak lately. Needing God so bad. He has been so tender with me. Mostly showing his love through amazing friends.
Friends who patiently listen to me whine cry and ramble; parents (and God)who have held me while I scream and sob. You may be like.."what the heck is going on Rachel?"
And some of you know. The bottom line is my world and view of life is being shaken at the core...-major. Sooooo, I found myself asking all the basic questions of faith...and needing to have faith because I FELT very little but pain. Which I am learning is not exactly a bad thing. Who wants to suffer?-----......-----Yeah, that's what I thought.
But He told me there is fellowship here...in the midst of pain. Sweet fellowship with my Lord even while I'm suffering. It's ugly...plain and simple, there are no delusions about pain in my mind. It sucks to feel ...sucky. But God is there.
What shook me up so much was that I basically believed all my life that:
If you follow God sincerely he wont let you make mistakes..at least not BIG ones.
If you try to follow God he surely won't let you be deceived.
If you mess up God will punish you with PAIN...cause he has to. (thus, just don't mess up 'cause Hun, it just ain't worth it.)
So where am I now?
Well, people...everything...my whole heart is hanging from my sleeve.
I gotta lot of issues that go way back and have to do with how I was raised...false view of myself and a false view of GOD.
I don't want to just..*WHOOP* change my mind and "know" the truth. There is nothing wrong with that. It's a start. In addition to that I want to let God do a work deep in my heart. So that I can know experientialy how God views my decisions and choices.(the good and the bad and the ugly) And the kicker, how do I not be afraid of pain and view it as punishment.
For I am learning that Jesus took ALL of my sin and made me un-punishable.
It blows my mind.
I am still afraid, honestly, to make mistakes. One thing I am gonna do about that is go to a retreat this weekend called Seeds of Grace Ministry and let God calm, and quiet my...frenzied heart.
Pray that I will receive his Truth into my innermost being.
That is my prayer for you as well friend.
Remain in Him, and let His words Remain in you, and you will bear much fruit.
Freedom,
Rachel

So....
GOD IS GOOD.
In fact He is the only good thing ever!
The wonderful thing is that He can be seen in everything He created.
The only good thing in me (or about me) is God! But wait, don't feel left out! The only good thing in you is God too! (I think I really over used the word thing).
Ha.
How much fun is it to know you are perfectly helpless without this amazing God?
(If you think you are earning God's love you prolly won't like this too well.)
You did know He was amazing right? (just look at the stars!!)
I think it is fun (good, incredible, and completely necessary) to be dependant on my daddy and his love for me. Especially when I realized what an awful person I am without Him. Yeah, that was tough. Finding out I was messed up and even my relative "holiness" looks disgusting next to Him.
Ah, (happy relieved sigh) I am no longer trying to earn my Father's love.
I also learned He loves me where I am and sees my heart so he knows what a wreck I am; yet, because of the new heart he gave me I desire to be a pleasing child.
That makes Him happy. I know.
He said for me to delight in Him.
That is easy when you feel delighted in first.
Not so easy if you feel condemned and unable to attain the love of God.

Boy... This is random but a new post none the less.
Bless you child of God.
1 John 3:1 "See how very much our Father loves us, for He calls us His children, and that is what we are!"
LoveLOVE
Ray

Hello Friends,
Perhaps you found this on face book, anyway I pray your heart is stirred by the message as mine was. God is stirring up this child (me, Ray, His child) and awakened me to His radiance, splendor, Power and Love.

I will begin with the story of what happened to me on May 22 of this year 2010...

I was asleep in my bed down in the basement, when I began dreaming I heard music...Well, I thought I was dreaming until I was roused enough to find there was a very loud sound coming from the main level of the house... I frantically stumbled up the basement stairs to find the I-Home blaring Rick Pino's song Gorgeous Face in our kitchen! I hurriedly turned the blaring music down and looked for any signs of life in the house @ this 3 am hour, but no one was awake. No one that could have turned it on and I was the only one that had been disturbed by the blasting music.
Now...I was beginning wake up enough to realize that this was ...not normal nor was it a coincidence. Almost immediately I had realized the words of the song and my spirit/heart was stirred.These are the words...

"Your face is all I long to see- your love piercing to the depth of me-come quickly my Father for you child is here waiting -show me your face -no more veils covering me- clothe me with pure love so I can see your face-Awesome splendor -glorious majesty-faithful Father- gorgeous face."
I laid down on the kitchen floor and made the song MY prayer. Believing that God had awakened me on purpose I decided to get out my journal and ask Him why.
I began writing...
"It is 3:am now- went to bed around 2am I woke to the song Beautiful Face in my dream...WEIRD. Father I am listening what do you want to say?

God*: "I am coming soon!"


*Now I lost some of you just now when I said "God: said..."; So let me take a minute to explain how I "heard" or knew it was God. How do I know that it was Him and not my own thoughts? Well, honestly it did sound much like myself. But remember We (those who have been reborn) have the mind of Christ. And Christ is in us.
I can best explain it as a sudden thought that I did not conjure up or merely "think".
It came suddenly and effortlessly from within and it agreed with the Word of God.
I did not analyze what I heard much from here on out...I decided to write everything and test it according to scripture latter... when I was more awake. (Note...this is 3 something AM. I was awakened out of a dead sleep. Most humans I know including myself are not mentally aware of much spiritual doctrine at 3:am.) Now, back to the dialogue...

Ray:" Take off the veils that cover my eyes, show me great things that I do not know!(Jer.33:3)
I am your sheep. I am here to hear your voice... What are you like?"


God: "BIG.
Powerful.
Strong.
I do things my way ALL the time and I am never wrong.
Peace I leave with you My peace I give you. In this world you will have trouble but I leave you my peace that where I am there you may also be.
Hard times are ahead, but also good times.
Seek my face, don't look @ the world it is going crazy. Stir up a zeal and passion for my name and all I stand for. Stand therefore with the breastplate of truth and the helmet of My Righteousness."

Ray:Now...are you wondering what this was like? I had not experienced anything Quite like this before. Well, it was like a steady flow...But one sentence at a time..God knows I am not a fast writer and I never was overwhelmed but there were only one or two times that I ever stopped because I wasn't hearing anything.

Ray:There is a bunch more but It is 5:03 am now (and I have not felt the need to go to bed yet...yesterday) and I am wondering what I should do next...Father?
"Keep writing."

k.

God: "Peace child, listen.
I speak and I am speaking.
Wait.
I have waited for you and I will wait.
In the secret place, that is where I am.
Feed your spirit man.
When she is alive so are you.
Be all there; alive and alert.
WATCH, for your adversary the devil prowls around you like a roaring lion.
Watch. Stand. Seek my Face.
I will deliver you peace.
Peace, joy and Recovery.
Behold I am with you always even to the end of the age."

Ray: Here again I want to break in and say that You Have Heard His Voice Too! Jesus said: "My sheep Hear my voice and they follow me." He is speaking to you in many ways! Take time to be still and wait on Him. What I believe He said next is important.

God:
"Yes it is coming.
When the Son of man comes to judge the living and the dead.
Yes it is I the eternal, Everlasting One-the Creator of the heavens and the earth.
Are you ready???
Will you be READY?
I AM COMING quickly, watch and wait.
Be still and KNOW me.
Know who I am.
I am GOD.
Let the fires of passion be rekindled let your love for me be reborn.
STOP everything else-or I will.
I want your attention.
I am your commander and Chief.
Peace be still.
I speak to the chaos and storm of your life. I am in control.
There is an order, but there will be a perfect order.
Be ye perfect even as I am perfect.
Watch Me act."

Ray: Friend, I wish we were together and you could tell me what is going through your brain at this moment.
I will write more of what He said on that night and also what He spoke to me today when I can.

More than anything I want to stir your heart up to get to know the one you follow.
You need oil in your lamps if you are to continue burning for God in this dark day. You may have heard the story of the ten virgins. They all fell asleep. What made five wise and leave the rest in the fool category was the oil in there lamps. I believe the oil is the Spirit of God. I believe that the Spirit comes when We commune with God. When we sit with Him and listen. When we receive His written and spoken word into our lives and agree with Him that He has the power to change us as we surrender.
Surrendering your will, ambition, plans is the best choice you will ever make. His thoughts are far above your thoughts and His ways FAR above your ways.
He is Perfect but more than that He is THE ALLmighty God. That leaves no might for the rest of us. All we have, we have through Him. "In Him we live and move and in Him we have our being."

Oh God you love me! For reasons I don't understand. That is why I can trust you. You have proved your love for me at the cross. May the knowledge of your glory cover the earth. Amen.

An object lesson from God

Written May 15th, 2010---
He (God) had me lie down on the gravel road yesterday. I was positioned there to gain a perspective.
To get eye level with the dirt. To see life from a rocks perspective. To see myself from His perspective.
So there I was lying prostrate on the middle of our gravel road. What I saw were small rocks, smaller rocks, sand, dirt and dust. From that position EVERYTHING WAS ABOVE ME. I felt vulnerable, small, and I began to identify with the gravel. (Thankfully the traffic on 70th Ave is virtually none existent.)
Compared to the universe we (the gravel and I) are BOTH mere specks. My ancestor Adam was made from The same material, and I began to get a feel (quite literally) for how small I am.
Then my mind suddenly went to the position I had assumed to see the rocks. Flat on my stomach, nose to nose with the dirt. The Bible says God Stoops to look at the heavens …I think to see us on earth he must have to get down on His stomach. quite the picture huh? Beyond that, just think of God becoming a rock! Wow, ok, so this is not new information, but GOD knows I am a visual learner so He gave me this picture to put myself in perspective. I often would get disappointed after a great time of reading God’s word alone with Him and feeling like nothing could get me down, but all of a sudden things would bother me and I would not feel like the same person who had just prayed “God your awesome and I want to live for you!” along with allot of other nice things. On the way home I thought to myself “Sheash, I am just a grain of sand I have allot of self importance for a grain of sand. It causes some heated discussions at home when this grain of sand’s will is crossed. I don’t have to take myself so seriously because I am completely and utterly dependant upon Him.” It is really amazing the worth that God does give us His children. It certainly is not earned of deserved. How great is our GOD!

Ps 84:5-7

July 23rd--- I have been helped immensely by those who have been willing to write music or books out of their pain. So I am writing today out of the midst of my pain.
God is here as I feel confused. God is here when I fear hurting others and being misunderstood. God is here and not punishing me when I feel like I deserve to be punished.
God is calling me to resist the Devil. (James 4:7)
What does that mean? Hold on a sec. I'll look it up..it means to "stand against, i.e. oppose:- resist, withstand." (Strongs Exhaustive concordance of the Bible)
This resisting stuff is not a one time deal I guess; and it's hard work!
July 26th ---
When you are struggling it does not always mean you are doing the wrong thing. It may be you have done something very right and Satan is after you for it. That is what (I now know) was going on for me. Though I felt such condemnation, it was not coming from my Father.
Submit to God. Resist the Devil. Neither of those things necessarily come with feelings attached to them. They are actions. Plain, not simple. Something you just do because God says so; and sometimes something you have to KEEP doing.
God is leading me by the hand through a valley full of shadows. There are no paths here but He is my faithful guide, which is infinitely better than a path.
Thank you Father.
I pray you will hold onto His hand through your own trials because He was faithful to me in the above trial as I kept coming/submitting to Him and resisting the devil. He knows my heart longs for Him even though my flesh is weak. He understands. He came and will continue to come to my rescue when I call. He will do the same for you!
"Blessed is the man whose strength is in You,
Whose heart is st on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the valley of Baca, (Weeping)
They make it a spring;
The rain also covers it with pools.
They go from strength to strength;
Each one appears before Go din Zion."
Psalm 84:5-7

Psalm 32:7 "For you are MY Hiding Place; you protect me from trouble. You surround me with songs of victory."

Hidden. Wow. What a thought. I am in Him. When I am, my fears begin to fade. There is peace here. There is a rest in the finished work of Christ. I am invited to taste the freedom he purchased for me. I am not forced, but invited to enjoy the blessings that come from the obedience of rest.(Ps 37:7) I may have many pressures impending but my spirit can be at rest in Him. Always.

I wrote that yesterday after feelings of painful separation from Christ and His promises.

I cried to Him, and He heard, answered and reminded me of His love and forgivness in the middle of my sin.

1 Thess.5:23-24 says, "Now may the God of peace make you holy in Every way, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ comes again. GOD will make this happen, for He who calls you is faithful."

He is so beautiful. I want to be like Him; so I tell Him everything. He whispers truth back into my heart. I am not alone. I want to be where He is and He wants to be where I am. I will not be afraid. He is the only one who understands me perfectly and he can speak truth into my innermost being.(ie.gut)

I am so thankful for His nearness. I stumble but I keep coming back to Him; not so that He can heap more guilt on me...but so that I can receive His truth and power to change into my life.

I repent because I see His love.

What kind of love is this?

"Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced His perfect love." 1John 4:18

"We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in His Love."vrs.16

God will be faithful for the rest of the journey. I will put my trust in His love.

My first post!!

Praise the Lord! In all my ways I will acknowledge Him because this whole life is a mystery to me.