pain

Peace. To those of you who have not seen anything new on here in a while here goes.
Gonna do this journal-style today.
Let's face it...Life is way hard sometimes. I have been so weak lately. Needing God so bad. He has been so tender with me. Mostly showing his love through amazing friends.
Friends who patiently listen to me whine cry and ramble; parents (and God)who have held me while I scream and sob. You may be like.."what the heck is going on Rachel?"
And some of you know. The bottom line is my world and view of life is being shaken at the core...-major. Sooooo, I found myself asking all the basic questions of faith...and needing to have faith because I FELT very little but pain. Which I am learning is not exactly a bad thing. Who wants to suffer?-----......-----Yeah, that's what I thought.
But He told me there is fellowship here...in the midst of pain. Sweet fellowship with my Lord even while I'm suffering. It's ugly...plain and simple, there are no delusions about pain in my mind. It sucks to feel ...sucky. But God is there.
What shook me up so much was that I basically believed all my life that:
If you follow God sincerely he wont let you make mistakes..at least not BIG ones.
If you try to follow God he surely won't let you be deceived.
If you mess up God will punish you with PAIN...cause he has to. (thus, just don't mess up 'cause Hun, it just ain't worth it.)
So where am I now?
Well, people...everything...my whole heart is hanging from my sleeve.
I gotta lot of issues that go way back and have to do with how I was raised...false view of myself and a false view of GOD.
I don't want to just..*WHOOP* change my mind and "know" the truth. There is nothing wrong with that. It's a start. In addition to that I want to let God do a work deep in my heart. So that I can know experientialy how God views my decisions and choices.(the good and the bad and the ugly) And the kicker, how do I not be afraid of pain and view it as punishment.
For I am learning that Jesus took ALL of my sin and made me un-punishable.
It blows my mind.
I am still afraid, honestly, to make mistakes. One thing I am gonna do about that is go to a retreat this weekend called Seeds of Grace Ministry and let God calm, and quiet my...frenzied heart.
Pray that I will receive his Truth into my innermost being.
That is my prayer for you as well friend.
Remain in Him, and let His words Remain in you, and you will bear much fruit.
Freedom,
Rachel